Recently we experienced so much joy and so much loss all within days of each other. I feel as though a year has passed, but it has only been a matter of weeks. We were surprised to learn (for sure) on the 28/09/14 that I was pregnant. On the Thursday 25/09/14 I was sitting on the couch, and I just knew I was pregnant. I just knew, it was the strangest thing. In fact I knew I was pregnant within days of ovulating! I cannot explain why, I just knew. . We weren't planning on having a baby just yet, so it was a big surprise. On the Friday 26/09/14 I went to the pharmacy and bought two early response tests, I had already been doing tests all week and they were negative. I did the test and I thought it was negative, as I was washing my hands I glanced at the test and I saw another line. I did the test in Derek's office and I just text him 'come here' he was convinced there was no line, but I could see it. I even asked my poor hairdresser to look at the line, she must have thought I was nuts!
Derek wanted me to go and get a digital one so we could know for sure, but it came up negative. I decided to wait a few more days and test again, and so on the 28/09/14 I got this...
and this ....
and later on that day...
We were so very happy and excited, although our happiness was to be short lived as I started to bleed on Tuesday 30/9/14 - at first I was treated as a threatened miscarriage as my hormone levels were doubling nicely. The doctor said it could be 'just one of those things,' and they were pretty sure that the bleeding would settle, but sadly this was not to be as on Tuesday 7/10/14 I got the news that my hormone levels were dropping and that it looked like I was miscarrying. The hospital was not happy as my hormone levels were not dropping as they should, so they did a scan on me, where they discovered I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. We were devastated, the hospital said as my ectopic was so small that I could in fact do nothing, and the pregnancy would hopefully reabsorb into my body, but unfortunately my Bhcg levels spiked and the doctor decided it was time to give me the drug that would help stop the cells of the pregnancy dividing, and help my body stop the pregnancy. Because of the drop in the Bhcg and the lack of growth, the baby had already stopped growing, so they gave me the shot of Methotrexate on the 16/10/14, then I had my hormones levels taken again on the 20/10/14 and they had come right back down. I returned to the hospital on Day 7 which was this Thursday 23/10/14 to confirm that everything is back to 'normal' with my body.
I think the fact that my body has reabsorbed the pregnancy actually makes me feel better, as I would hate to think of my baby removed from me, this has given me so much comfort. I am glad he/she is still a part of me, it also upsets me that I don't know what gender the baby was, would the baby have been a boy or a girl? I feel he was a boy, and I know I will never kiss those little fingers or toes, or know what colour hair he would have had, and this breaks my heart. I call our baby, 'baby Hope' because I hoped he would hang in there, I hoped everything would be ok, and I never gave up Hope until the last minute. I clung with every part of my heart to the hope that they would make it. Sadly this was not to be. I am so heartbroken, I never imagined how it would feel to lose a baby, but it is harrowing. It has gone on for so long, but I do not want to dwell on the sadness, I want to celebrate that my baby Hope was loved from the minute we found out that he/she was there and was hoped for, and I carried my baby and minded them as best I could for their whole life. I did my very best to keep him safe, but sadly I couldn't make him stay as he/she was in the wrong place to grow.
Before you go through miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy you think miscarriage is a one day event (well I did in my ignorance) but it's not a single one off trauma, but drawn out and heartbreaking. . . It brings all of your hopes crashing down. . I will never fight with him over ice cream for breakfast, I have no scan or memory that my baby ever existed outside of me... but he or she will live on in my heart. I will always have 3 children, one I never got to meet or hold. But he is and always will be safely held in my heart. I will be the mommy of an angel and know that from the moment I knew he was there I loved him and wished for him. If love could have made him stay he would be here. But he was not for this world. Sleep tight my angel. My baby hope, I never gave up hope, I waited in hope.... and now I Hope you know how much we loved you...... below are the candles for all my children in the Oratory where I laid you to rest in my heart...
RIP my baby Hope .......
Below is the song written by the group 'Selah' and it is the song that says exactly how I feel and I would love to remember it for always...
"I Will Carry You"
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice And He says?
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen Me
To carry you
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Love from your Mommy, Daddy, big brother and sister xxxxx
